😏 The Truth About Being A Control Freak (It’s not what you think)

When my daughter recently called herself a control freak because she was doing everything she could to secure a graduate class before her college schedule hit the add/drop deadline, I felt myself pause. Hard.

I know that phrase all too well—I’ve used it on myself more times than I can count. But hearing her say it hit different. Why? Because I didn’t see her as a “freak” at all, and certainly not a “control freak.”

What I saw was Exceptional Persistence. Excellent Follow-through. Incredible Self-advocacy.
All qualities that, frankly, are going to take her far in life.

And yet, our culture slaps this negative label—control freak—on anyone who dares to be proactive about shaping outcomes.

So let’s get curious about control. What is it, really? Why do we chase it? And why do we make ourselves wrong for it?

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Why “Control Freak” Gets Such a Bad Rap 🤨

The phrase “control freak” carries a judgment baked right in. It implies desperation, rigidity, or micromanagement.

Society often prefers the “go with the flow” personality—someone laid back, easygoing, and unbothered. It assumes we should fear those willing to take control, portraying them as bossy, impatient, or egotistical.

But here’s the irony: if no one takes control, things don’t get done! My daughter’s class wouldn’t have been added. Projects stall. Families spin. Even lives can unravel without someone stepping up to direct.

And it’s not new. Think about the “terrible twos” in childhood—the first time our sweet little selves demand independence and control. When we don’t get it? Cue the toddler temper tantrum.

But control isn’t actually bad. The negative connotation comes from the extremes—when control morphs into domination, stifles others’ autonomy, or fuels anxiety by clinging to the uncontrollable.

Unfortunately, we’ve generalized the phrase to mean any and every attempt at control and labeled it as not just bad behavior, but freak behavior.

So why do we do this?

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Your Brain on Control 🧠

Here’s where neuroscience comes in. The human brain is wired to seek control—it equates predictability with safety.

When we know what’s happening and what to expect, our stress response calms down. That’s why losing control (or even the perception of losing it) sparks fear, frustration, or those adult-sized “temper tantrums” we’d rather not admit to.

This is what I wrote about in The Fear Flip—sometimes what we call “fear of failure” or “fear of success” is actually just fear of uncertainty. Our brains crave stability, but life rarely hands us that.

So, in truth, the impulse to control isn’t flawed—it’s literally our neural wiring doing its job.

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What’s Controllable vs. What’s Not 🎯

The real question isn’t whether control is good or bad—it’s whether we’re aiming it at the right things.

Think of it like dividing life into two buckets:

✅ Controllable:

• The effort you put in
• Your follow-up and persistence (like my daughter sending that extra email)
• Your boundaries and communication style
• Your habits and daily choices
• The meaning you assign to what happens around you

❌ Not Controllable:

• Other people’s timelines or lack of urgency
• The weather, the market, the traffic jam, the glitch in the system
• Someone else’s opinions, moods, or reactions—even if they’re about you
• The past (yep, even when we desperately wish we could redo it)

When we confuse the two, frustration skyrockets. It’s like trying to nail Jell-O to the wall—messy, frustrating, and pointless.

But when we consciously place our energy in the controllable bucket, something shifts. We feel grounded, less anxious, more powerful.

It’s not about controlling everything—it’s about controlling enough to move forward with confidence.

This is curiosity in action—choosing to explore, adjust, and redirect where it matters, instead of spiraling in the places we’ll never win.

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Why Labels Don’t Help 📦

Here’s the bigger danger: when we call ourselves “control freaks,” or any of the other stereotypes we’ll cover in this 4-part series, we’re shrinking ourselves into a box.

Labels can feel tidy, but they also limit us. They reinforce shame instead of celebrating strengths.

It’s like I wrote in When One Moment Becomes the Whole Story—the stories we tell about ourselves often keep us smaller than we are.

So instead of slapping on a label, what if we reframed?
✨ Instead of “control freak,” maybe it’s detail-driven, proactive, or determined.
✨ Instead of shame, what if we gave ourselves credit for showing up, staying engaged, and refusing to settle?

I wonder how it looks when we celebrate ourselves instead…

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Wrapping It Up: From Freak to Fierce 💪

Here’s the thing: wanting control doesn’t make you a freak. It makes you human. Our brains are wired to crave it, our lives require it, and our progress depends on it.

The trick isn’t in dropping control or giving it up—it’s in directing it.

So instead of slapping yourself with a limiting label, what if you got curious about where your control energy is going? Are you steering it toward what you can actually influence, or are you burning it up on things that were never yours to carry in the first place?

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The Challenge 🔥

This week, when you catch yourself feeling that urge to “control,” pause for a second and run it through this filter:

1️⃣ Name it – What exactly am I trying to control right now?
2️⃣ Sort it – Does this belong in the controllable bucket (my effort, my follow-up, my choices) or the uncontrollable bucket (their timeline, their mood, the weather, the past)?
3️⃣ Shift it – If it’s controllable, take one small action. If it’s not, give yourself permission to release it and redirect your energy.

Try it once. Then try it again. And notice: each time you choose wisely, you’re not being a control freak—you’re being intentional, resilient, and brave.

Because at the end of the day, the only freaky thing would be handing over your power without even realizing it. 😉

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✨ Be sure to check back next week when we dive into another misguided label we give ourselves—subscribe so you don’t miss a thing!